I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
