So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
