As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
