There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
