What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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