i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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