He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
