Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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