i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
