i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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