I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
