So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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