Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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