Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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