You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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