No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
