I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
