she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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