haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
