whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
