Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
