pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
