Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
NoShamevember. You game?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
