when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
