No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
