im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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