Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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