She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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