That's intense
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
