this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
