Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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