His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
