i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
