Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
