my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
