So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He passed out mid-signature
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
