I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He has the fingertips of a God
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