yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
