My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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