and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
