just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
