I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I am spending my child support on dildos
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
