While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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