Well apparently he's into motor boating.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
