Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
