I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
