That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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