i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
