I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
