"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
